Friendship: an identity crisis
We are doing a study on building community in our small groups at church. Two weeks in, and it is raising some interesting issues for me, particularly about friendship. What does it mean to be a friend, or have a friend? These are disturbingly complex questions...
The premise of the study is that God uses relationships with others in our spiritual formation. Christian growth is not just a matter of "me and my alone-time with Jesus", but is very much affected by the quality of our interaction with others as we learn together, grow together, serve together. Very true. I'm all on board for that.
The #1 challenge to building those kinds of relationships seems to be the lifestyle we find ourselves in: busy, pressed for time, often moving locations, often far away. So this raises a very real question for me: what kind of friendships could I (and should I) have, given that we have moved so often and so far, and that there are still now so many people we interact with on a weekly basis.
How is it that we can have weeks filled with people, and yet still be lonely?
Is there a limit to the number of people we can actually be friends with? Is there a point at which our "friendship quota" is full?
And if we move locations, the issues are exacerbated. What should our expectations be: to "let go" of the friends we have in one place (in the detail-involved, paying attention, wanting to 'be there for them' kind of way) so that we can be available as friends/community in the new place? As one wise friend said "You can't commute to community". In a very real way - we HAVE to build a community where we are now, and not "live where we don't live"; trying to live emotionally in one place and physically in another...
But what then of dear friends far away. How do you do the "friendship over distance" thing? What are realistic expectations? It's harder, and time is short. Fun as it is, facebook is no substitute for conversation. Even this blog, which is some attempt to stay in touch with people across the miles, is one-directional.
Somehow it seems it would be much easier to have lived 100 years ago where your neighbors and community were pretty much the same from birth to death... I'm short on answers on what biblical community and true friendship looks like in the 21st century. Any insights (or commiserations) are most welcome :-)
The premise of the study is that God uses relationships with others in our spiritual formation. Christian growth is not just a matter of "me and my alone-time with Jesus", but is very much affected by the quality of our interaction with others as we learn together, grow together, serve together. Very true. I'm all on board for that.
The #1 challenge to building those kinds of relationships seems to be the lifestyle we find ourselves in: busy, pressed for time, often moving locations, often far away. So this raises a very real question for me: what kind of friendships could I (and should I) have, given that we have moved so often and so far, and that there are still now so many people we interact with on a weekly basis.
How is it that we can have weeks filled with people, and yet still be lonely?
Is there a limit to the number of people we can actually be friends with? Is there a point at which our "friendship quota" is full?
And if we move locations, the issues are exacerbated. What should our expectations be: to "let go" of the friends we have in one place (in the detail-involved, paying attention, wanting to 'be there for them' kind of way) so that we can be available as friends/community in the new place? As one wise friend said "You can't commute to community". In a very real way - we HAVE to build a community where we are now, and not "live where we don't live"; trying to live emotionally in one place and physically in another...
But what then of dear friends far away. How do you do the "friendship over distance" thing? What are realistic expectations? It's harder, and time is short. Fun as it is, facebook is no substitute for conversation. Even this blog, which is some attempt to stay in touch with people across the miles, is one-directional.
Somehow it seems it would be much easier to have lived 100 years ago where your neighbors and community were pretty much the same from birth to death... I'm short on answers on what biblical community and true friendship looks like in the 21st century. Any insights (or commiserations) are most welcome :-)
posted by Bronwyn at 2:39 am
3 Comments:
I commiserate! Having moved frequently -- and more recently, having friends move away -- I've always struggled with the nature of close and long-distance friendships.
My current approach is to enjoy and invest into the friends that are physically near me, spend a little bit of effort investing into the two or three long-distance friends that I especially treasure, but let blog/facebook/once-a-year emails take care of the rest. If those "old" friends happen to come back into my life in a significant way, I'll welcome them back joyfully, but otherwise I'm not going to try to force it. I want to use the term "seasons" to describe how I think of these friendships -- some are dormant, some are thriving.
'Seasons' is a helpful insight... thanks :-)
I am SO glad it is not 100 years ago. You'd be in SA, and I'd be here--I would never have met you in this life. I'll take the "for now" if it means I get to see God at work, to laugh, to be encouraged (and hopefully to encourage). I'm sure many are jealous of those who get a front seat at this juncture (with Pip on the way), and I feel honored to be here with you in Davis. God is using this friendship, and will use the separation too--I have no doubt.
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