On encouraging change

I am, and have been almost all my life, a critic. At best I suppose I could be an insightful critic. A constructive critic. But I confess that probably much of the time I'm just a judgmental critic. A criticizing critic.

I think that I have often thought that these "insightful critiques" of mine serve some purpose - of helping others to change. But lately, I've been challenged to rethink this.

I just finished a parenting class (a 10 week group discussion of Dreikurs' classic Children: The Challenge). The book is antiquated, and often overstates the case to make a point - but nonetheless has been really helpful in thinking some things through. One of the points Dreikurs repeatedly makes is that we must learn to encourage our children rather than to praise them. Encouragement, he says, is specific and related to the deed, whereas praise is more general affirmation. "Thank you for helping me with the dishes" is encouragement. "You're a good girl" is praise. He reasons that one of the main reason encouragement is better than praise is that encouragement actually teaches the person something: it has substance. Praise can be empty, and doesn't necessarily teach anything. I follow his reasoning: it is, I think, better for one's sense of confidence and identity to know that you are helpful at home, kind to your siblings, fun to talk to, good at getting yourself ready in the morning (all specific encouragements which a parent might say), rather than just hearing "you're a good girl", without knowing what that means.

He makes the point that encouragement is what children thrive on - and they need it when they're doing well, but especially when they're doing poorly (his thesis is that a misbehaving child is a discouraged child). So for example - if a kid is coloring in a picture and it's messy, to say "I like the way you colored in the lines in this part" (and specifically find a place where they were in the lines), is much more encouraging than "that's great, honey" (especially when it wasn't great), or "try to color in the lines the next time". He reasons that it's easier to build on what people do right than what they do wrong.

And somehow, somewhere, deep in the recesses of my brain - this discussion on encouraging your child caused something to CLICK. I think Dreikurs is on to something which is making me rethink whether my contribution to society is to be its "insightful critic" (or sadly, its judge). Because what is true of children is actually true of all of us - we ALL respond better to encouragement than criticism. We ALL are more likely to change if we are encouraged to build on the things we do right, rather than having our failings pointed out.

I remember reading an article in a Readers' Digest magazine at my grandparents house nearly 20 years ago. A woman wrote about how she and her husband were at the end of their rope in their marriage, bickering almost daily... and one day her husband just stopped criticizing, and that day said almost nothing to her except "thanks for making dinner, Jo - I like the way you fixed the salad." Each day he found one thing to thank her for - and over a period of weeks, she found less and less fault with him too... and found herself wanting to do more things that he would like. I've thought of that article often in my own marriage: I need to trust that more will change in both my own attitude and my spouse's if I notice the things I like and appreciate, even if they're small, rather than the things I don't like. And Lord knows, I respond better to "I really liked the salad" than to "I didn't like the pasta so much".

It occurs to me that this is the way God inspires change in us too. He encourages us rather than condemns us. Titus tells us it is the grace of God (his favor!) which teaches us to say no to ungodliness. It is not the fear of judgment which teaches us to be good. It is the fact that He already loves us, already believes the best of us.

So I think my days of being the insightful critic need to come to an end. Whether its giving advice, or parenting, or being a friend or a spouse - I need to work on being an ENCOURAGER. Not a praiser. Not a critic. An encourager. And not just because that's how God is to us, or because it's who I want to be... but also because it's the best way to help those I love too.

So please, if you catch me with a gavel... remind me to put it down and find some grace instead.