last night

Last night I dreamed my daughter fell off her potty into a large body of water, and she choked on the water, and I could not resuscitate her. In my dream, I wandered around our house - the same yet so, so empty - feeling the loss of her in every room. I dreamed I lay in her new big girl bed and sobbed and sobbed for her porcelain skin, her dreamy eyelashes, her sense of humour, her little feet which she always crosses at the ankles, her South African toddler accent in a land of Americans.

And this morning when she woke up, I climbed into her bed and kissed her curly hair until she said "Mommy, you're squishing me." Sorry, baby. Sometimes mommy can't help herself.