Pride in sacrifice
There are many things I could have done differently. I could have lived elsewhere. I could have pursued a far more pretigious legal career. I could have taken the big-money job. I could have married the first person who asked. I could be far more well-groomed (and therefore 'beautiful' by Cosmo standards). I could have travelled more. Seen more. Done more.
But I didn't. Many of these choices have been shaped by the fact that I am convinced that I am called to be in full-time Christian ministry - spending my life and gifts and time with others, reasoning from the Scriptures why a life following Jesus is the best choice. I have chosen this path, and when I sit and think about it - I am content that this is far better than the lower-glamour, less-travel, smaller-budget, less-sacrifice life.
But I am convicted that I also harbor some "pride" in that sacrifice, and this breeds discontentment. Can I really say that I am fully satisfied with the life I have chosen, if I socially 'reserve the right' to complain about it? Even if it's in a joking "see what I've given up" kind of way? I don't think I can: to sacrifice things for God and retain some pride in what I've given up, or reserve the right to complain or criticize, means that the sacrifice isn't yet complete. I am still learning what it means to "consider everything loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things" (Phil 3:8). He lost His life for me - really, how does my sacrifice even begin to compare? It couldn't possibly.
So why am I writing this? Not so that people will congratulate me on the sacrifice, but to hold me accountable. Please don't let me moan about "what could have been". If I do that I'm still not "considering everything loss". I'm learning to surrender the right to complain.
But I didn't. Many of these choices have been shaped by the fact that I am convinced that I am called to be in full-time Christian ministry - spending my life and gifts and time with others, reasoning from the Scriptures why a life following Jesus is the best choice. I have chosen this path, and when I sit and think about it - I am content that this is far better than the lower-glamour, less-travel, smaller-budget, less-sacrifice life.
But I am convicted that I also harbor some "pride" in that sacrifice, and this breeds discontentment. Can I really say that I am fully satisfied with the life I have chosen, if I socially 'reserve the right' to complain about it? Even if it's in a joking "see what I've given up" kind of way? I don't think I can: to sacrifice things for God and retain some pride in what I've given up, or reserve the right to complain or criticize, means that the sacrifice isn't yet complete. I am still learning what it means to "consider everything loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things" (Phil 3:8). He lost His life for me - really, how does my sacrifice even begin to compare? It couldn't possibly.
So why am I writing this? Not so that people will congratulate me on the sacrifice, but to hold me accountable. Please don't let me moan about "what could have been". If I do that I'm still not "considering everything loss". I'm learning to surrender the right to complain.
posted by Bronwyn at 12:29 pm
3 Comments:
hey bronwyn
just wanted to let you know that i'll be praying for you. i've been thinking through some similar things myself lately.
one thought that always keeps me accountable is when i think of the significance of working for things of eternity - it's always a challenge in perspective for me.
thanks for sharing you struggles with this
blessings in Him
j.
thanks Jodi... I appreciate the perspective, and the prayers! B
Dearest Bron~
Somehow you are always with a word of truth and a verse (or 3) that speaks to the storm of my thoughts . . . I continue to wrestle and wonder and dream of the "other" road--does it ever cease to be appealing? Is full-time ministry supposed to suddenly be the easy choice or is it good to continue to wrestle and choose a life of sacrifice and service?
Despite considering everything loss, did Paul wonder what it would have been like to walk a different road and live a quiet life for the Lord? (I certainly hope so--it would make me feel a whole lot less guilty about often desiring a road more traveled!)
Is that deep yearning from within something to follow or something sinful to silence?
I chose and continue to choose this path and this walk--questions and doubts included. Perhaps the sacrifice will never be complete (Phil. 3:12).
For now, we press on.
Praying for us both,
Julie
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