OBP
What matters more: what you put in? or what you get out?
South Africa is currently overhaling that education philosophy it installed a few years ago: Outcomes Based Education (OBE).
In a similar way, I think I'm rethinking my parenting philosophy (or policy, as the case may be). I think, until recently, I was an Outcomes Based Parent. I'm scrapping that. Here's why.
It appears to me that many, if not most, parenting approaches are aimed at modifying behavior. The time-outers, the spankers/smackers, the good-example-setters, the teach-everything-with-a-cheery-songers, the dreikurs-ers, the let-them-find-their-own-wayers... and every dizzying combination of the above (the cap fits on at least 4 of those for me)... all of those have one thing in common: they hope to steer our children towards behaving in a certain way. I took a parenting class where they emphasized letting kids experience and learn from the natural and logical consequences of their behavior; but as one friend who took the class astutely observed: "Yeah, it works. But so does yelling. And so does spanking. And sometimes yelling and spanking is quicker."
In my case though - it is not the case that "anything works". With my willful eldest child, there are certain behaviors where NOTHING has worked to change them. No amount of rewarding, time-outs, spanking, setting-a-good-example, giving choices, singing-cheery songs, letting her experience consequences etc, WORKED in the sense that it got her to change her behavior (like using the potty, or trying new foods). The ancient adage can easily be modified in our house: you can lead a horse to water (or chicken, or the potty), but you cannot make it drink (or eat, or use the bathroom).
So if OBP isn't going to work, what am I to do? This is what I'm thinking: if I can't control the OUTPUT with my parenting... at least I can focus on the INPUT. I can choose my parenting style using different criteria: not "will it work?", but rather "what kind of parent do I want to be?"
I don't want to be a yelling parent. I don't want to be a laissez-faire parent. I want to be a consistent, loving, supporting, firm parent, who laughs at life and teaches my child with my example and words. That's the INPUT. That part I am responsible for.
Perhaps right now that means living with and laughing about a whole range of behaviors that I really would rather weren't there. But OBP isn't working. So we're trying a new parenting philosophy: "responsible character parenting". I'm working on the input. And hoping and praying that it will yield a good output anyway.
South Africa is currently overhaling that education philosophy it installed a few years ago: Outcomes Based Education (OBE).
In a similar way, I think I'm rethinking my parenting philosophy (or policy, as the case may be). I think, until recently, I was an Outcomes Based Parent. I'm scrapping that. Here's why.
It appears to me that many, if not most, parenting approaches are aimed at modifying behavior. The time-outers, the spankers/smackers, the good-example-setters, the teach-everything-with-a-cheery-songers, the dreikurs-ers, the let-them-find-their-own-wayers... and every dizzying combination of the above (the cap fits on at least 4 of those for me)... all of those have one thing in common: they hope to steer our children towards behaving in a certain way. I took a parenting class where they emphasized letting kids experience and learn from the natural and logical consequences of their behavior; but as one friend who took the class astutely observed: "Yeah, it works. But so does yelling. And so does spanking. And sometimes yelling and spanking is quicker."
In my case though - it is not the case that "anything works". With my willful eldest child, there are certain behaviors where NOTHING has worked to change them. No amount of rewarding, time-outs, spanking, setting-a-good-example, giving choices, singing-cheery songs, letting her experience consequences etc, WORKED in the sense that it got her to change her behavior (like using the potty, or trying new foods). The ancient adage can easily be modified in our house: you can lead a horse to water (or chicken, or the potty), but you cannot make it drink (or eat, or use the bathroom).
So if OBP isn't going to work, what am I to do? This is what I'm thinking: if I can't control the OUTPUT with my parenting... at least I can focus on the INPUT. I can choose my parenting style using different criteria: not "will it work?", but rather "what kind of parent do I want to be?"
I don't want to be a yelling parent. I don't want to be a laissez-faire parent. I want to be a consistent, loving, supporting, firm parent, who laughs at life and teaches my child with my example and words. That's the INPUT. That part I am responsible for.
Perhaps right now that means living with and laughing about a whole range of behaviors that I really would rather weren't there. But OBP isn't working. So we're trying a new parenting philosophy: "responsible character parenting". I'm working on the input. And hoping and praying that it will yield a good output anyway.
posted by Bronwyn at 3:53 pm
2 Comments:
Since you know I have no children of my own, what I am about to say on childrearing is purely theoretical.
Perhaps this is the case where one tries to find the balance between the INPUT and OBE. I am sure that you are already doing as much as you can on the OBE front, but knowing you, you are most likely already an INPUT parent. So I think this may just come down to deciding when to be more OBE focused vs. being simply yourself. =)
Love this. . .I struggle all the time with not equating the children's behaviors with my own parenting. The yelling is much easier, but judging by how the kids are de-sensitized to it, I must be yelling all the time. . .Time to switch tactics. . .Hopefully we'll get to have tea again and talk over our successes :)
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